Friday, September 19, 2014

Indecision Sandwich

I've spent the last few weeks (months?) in an indecision sandwich. You know the kind? Where you've got an equal number of good and bad things on each hand, so you squash them together with some avocado slices?

(It's messy in here)

Before you start to lose your breath or pick up the popcorn and tissues, let me reassure you, this sandwich has nothing to do with men.

(or women)

Romantically speaking.

This is a deeper, more personal question. Do I subject myself to medical tests that I fundamentally disagree with? Even if they are THE only way to answer this one question (and ironically, the only way to treat the bad answer to the question)? Or do I stick to my gut, my heart, the tiny sliver of faith that I've kept tucked away behind my left ear for just these circumstances?

My sense of intuition is very strong. I would say it's stronger than yours, but then I also have no idea. I know that I listen to my intuition far more frequently than most people (tell me they) do AND that it is never wrong. My problem, is that here in the middle of this sandwich, there's too much worry and fear and "WHAT IF" amid the roasted red peppers. Intuition has no space. There's no air, no tiny cracks for light to seep in.

Or faith.

This is so good for me. I hate it, but it is such an excellent reminder of what we subject women to with anything related to their lady parts. My prenatal clients come to me with the look I now see in the mirror, and for the first time I really, truly understand them.

What if something is wrong with me?

What if this horrible test is the only way to know?

What if I don't get it, and then something is wrong?

What if I do, and this worry was for nothing? And I've subjected myself to all sorts of unknowns that my ancestors would never have dreamed of?

What if I just made this worse?

I know two things:

1. Worry is never good for you.
2. I just started five sentences (in a row) with "what if?"

To me, this says I'm in no place to make a decision. Fear is never the right place. The path makes itself known when the time is right, when the moon is in the right place in the sky, when the water is clear.

The answer never comes from outside. That's the trick with the sandwich! You think that the right side or the left side is truth, and you can't shake that something is missing in the middle. I don't know about you, but I've never made a good decision from the perspective of a leaf of spinach.

When neither choice is right, it's because there's a third option. I can literally hear myself saying this to dozens of people in the past year. There's more than one right way. There are more than two options.

Find the third option.

Never settle.
Thanks for the pix, Abby from LoveRoots Photography

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