I did the worst thing ever.
(well, for a yoga teacher).
The thing I say I'll never do, that just can't be done, because it is the very basest thing.
I vomited all over a student, right after class.
For whatever reason, I apparently taught a kick-ass class on Wednesday evening. People raved about it, despite the fact that no one seems to be able to tell me why it was a good class. I can tell, because the spirit was speaking through me. I wasn't forcing things, I was just doing that thing where the spirit moves through you - like you're a really well informed back-up dancer for the universe, even though you didn't realize your body knew the steps. Someone else is dangling your puppet strings and you're just in sync.
The marriage vomit happened.
I got divorced. You know this. It happened the same way a car accident happens - slow motion, with lots of back pedaling and neck tension and plenty of lookie-lous commentating on what went wrong. Spirit moved through me in the terrible way, the gut-wrenching, soul twisting way that it does when you realize that the things you're doing are completely outside of your control.
The pain in my body so desperately wanted to protect my friend - the one headed for marriage - from the excruciating pain that results from The Bad Thing. The unexpected ending of the perfect union, that I couldn't contain or filter or funnel the ectoplasmic spirit vomit GetAPrenupNowEvenIfYouLoveHim blah, blah, blah, worse, worse, worse.
So I'm saying here what I wish I had said then, knowing that the venom is out there and that it will be my karma to get that back right in the ass, right when I'm staring down a great life transition. This can't undo, or take back, but it will help me the next time I have to grin and bear, when I don't want to lie but I must support.
1. Do not let your wedding day be the best day of your life. Let it be the best day of your life, so far. Make decisions in every moment to enjoy it, and practice living like the star of the show. And then let better days come, don't let the best land in the past and the rest slide downhill.
2. Do not let anyone have the power to ruin your day. Everyone has their stories, and sometimes they are on hiatus from attending weddings, out of protection for themselves and for you. Do not take that personally. The only people who must be there are you and your beloved (and whatever squirrel is officiating).
3. Let me be a landing place for you, and know that I will always love you as you are, without regard to whether you are married or separated, struggling in secret or crumbling in public. I will hold you in dark moments and light, and I will never cower from whatever darkness may ever come your way.
Love is like four turtles swimming in opposite directions.
And I am the ocean.